well i guess all teenagers have an urge to be famous among the crowd among the opposite sex and i am no exception....but this seems to be driving me crazy.i day dream sometimes of being a gr8 drummer or a guitarist or a singer and what not...to perform on stage and have a huge gal following,sometimes it makes me sick to the core that how can i get so obsessed wiht this.ya i know its weird----day dreaming ,even weirder.but it only makes me wonder about so many things,why i do have a gr8 confidence level,why i dont feel like talking to girls of my class but am free to those back in mumbai...have i developed some type of a stereotype in my brain ,or is it purely my lack of confidence or is it DENIAL!!!!!denial from what,i dont know....perhaps i dont want to know that she doesnt like me as a friend and a person,that i dont strike a chord or something like that....why is it that when it comes to girls....things get so complicated and difficult...but the only thing i can think of is this.i might seem sick or something,but i just cant get all this out of my brain....not that i dont have friends who r girls,to come to think of it,i talk to my female friends in mumbai far mor than i do with their male counterparts.but still i feel this emptiness,this despair and the reason doesnt seem clear.i do have my fair deal of crushes and stuff but i feel something is missing in my life....definitely not a girl friend....i really cant have one now,i have other things to do,besides i am hopeless in that department,when starting a small talk is difficult, having a gf is far far away. i love to see all the 'smooth' guyz on campus walking away with the preetiest girls in antargni but i just keep wondering when i will be on thatside of the highway....perhaps that will happen only when i make a move...but i am gutless...i just cant...all i will end up doing is making a fool of myself...thats all.image and self esteem ruined,i will have no chance...it would be as if i am all naked being laughed at by all those hundreds of gals from all over the country....and i stand there alone,desperate, a total fool!!!!!

yet another of those 'staring at the night sky and reasoning my existence at iitk'.well for starters i had a wonderful treat...gr8 dinner at checkmate with the adventure club mates and then we returned wiht a few drunk like hell and shouting like god damn crazy,then sukkki's birthday bash and then the lone stare at the sky all alone in my favourite spot ,the roof of my wing.......so many questions that ring a bell in this ever so haunting and tormenting brain of mine(i know these words make little sense but i just felt gud writing it down so here it is)....what the hell am i goin here???why am i aspiring to become an engineer when the subject a fear most is the subject i will have to live my whole life with as an engineer-MATHS!!!!!!life seems so pointless and aimless....and these mood swings are gettong far more frequent and voilent than before...what is more amazing is the fact that my end sems(in which i desperately need to do well to maintain my cpi)are staring rite at my face and all i can think of are these silly idiotic pointless questions that even a dumbass cana answer................but surprisingly i cant!!!!why is life so unpredictable....why so full of messy choices and consequential decisions.....why can life not be as simple as it used to be back in school when all i cared about was school,friends,sports and tv and eating out of course.......why has life to get all messy now.....i cant think straight,cant behave straight.....lost my friends(something i guess i have always been winning about...for some reason i am yet to find out)its 3 in the night and i probably should be going to sleep...have a long day of studies today...so i stop now....i have lots to write but i guess it wll have to wait.....till it sweels so much in me that i simply burst out wiht it...and i am hoping that i get in such a situation not in front of one of my friends but in front of my comp...so that i dont feel ambarasses about it later.so gud nite for now....

A hot day at kanpur

its a saturday....april the 9th,i start my days with the daily dose of scrubs followed by a few hours of sleep.......which althogh well earned is disastrously disturbed by the sudden power failure which engulfs most of the campus......the outside temp seems to be about 42 and i am really getting irritated.....i really wanted to escape to RAVE,do a bit of shopping...by a few tshirts and shirts(i think i need a few more in my wardrobe)but without company i really dont feel motivated enough.....

i sit by the fire all alone,
staring at the open sky lit by innumerable lights,
my starving body aches and cries,
but my spirit is still fresh and flies,

reeking windows,shattering panes,
all those noises in the background
a lonely hnunter finds tracks on this way,
he kisses the ground and bades it wiht fray

these lines mean no sense to me,
they are without a purpose,
all they succecced in bringing out,
is the boredom that i have bestoned.

the ancient rimes of the holy flower,
the long lived days to fruit,
the diminidhing curved sloping power,
the crooked nose to the brute.

surprisingly these lines i say,
have made me laugh and smile,
i no longer feel like repperting life,
my inner so deep and sterile.

how innocent these feelings seem,
i want them the way the used to be,
the shrewdness and sly self in me,